The Three Top Critical Relationship Mistakes (and What to Do Instead)
By: Donna O. Freeman, Ph.D., L.P.C., Owner of Couples Communication Training, LLC
In spite of our best intentions, we as human beings tend to make critical relationship mistakes over and over again. I will discuss the three top critical relationship mistakes that I have seen in my 26 years of practice as a Mental Health Counselor.
Today, as a Couples Communication Trainer, I am assisting couples who want to improve their relationships through personalized training in healthy communication.
Critical Relationship Mistake #3: Making Desperate Attempts to Get Your Spouse’s AttentionWhen romance is young, each person has their partner’s undivided attention. As the relationship matures, it is only natural that one partner might feel that he or she is taken for granted to some degree.
Why It Happens:
After the "honeymoon" is over, spouses settle into their lives together. Things get busy with careers, bills, routines, and children growing up. I prefer to think of this as the natural "settling in" of the relationship, rather than either spouse’s actual attempt to take the other for granted.
What It Looks Like:
When spouses don’t feel special anymore, they may feel emotionally abandoned. Unhealthy attempts to remedy this may come in the form of repeated verbal demands for attention (nagging), starting arguments, feigning illness, threatening to leave, or issuing ultimatums.
Nagging may take the form of "You don’t talk to me anymore", "You don‘t even look at me anymore when I talk to you", "You don’t tell me that I’m sexy, like you used to" or "You don’t ever help me around the house." All nagging is destructive.
Starting arguments can take many forms. Spouses may provoke their counterparts with their signature antagonistic behaviors, pick at them over trivial matters or criticize.
Feigning illness can come across as a spouse’s announcement, usually after an argument, that he or she doesn’t "feel good". Threatening to leave your spouse sounds to him or her like "I am abandoning you because you are no good."
Giving ultimatums is a way of strong-arming mates into giving in demands, or else. The "or else" might be leaving, not speaking, not having sex
, or any number of punishments.
Why It’s a Mistake:
Due to their inherent nature, these attempts will meet with resistance or aggression. When these attempts fail, the spouses who use them may feel that even more extreme measures are needed. This can only serve to make problems worse.
Likely Consequences:
Consequences of such immature behaviors are always negative and will drive partners apart.
Nagging will likely cause spouses to erupt with anger, walk out
, or stonewall. Starting arguments might win some attention in the short-run. In fact, arguing is often an "after all else fails" desperate attempt at some form of communication. Arguments have a cumulative damaging effect on a relationship, however, and are never worth the short-term "reward" of negative attention.
Feigning illness, threatening to leave, and giving ultimatums are the most desperate ways of trying to get attention. These are "games" and are also used as poor substitutes for real communication.
Once spouses understand the game, they will not only withhold attention, but may supplement it with contemptuous behavior. When either spouse shows chronic contempt, it is a sign that the relationship is in serious trouble.
These efforts to get attention can also backfire in a couple of ways. First, if mates say they are sick and aren’t, threaten to leave and don’t, or give an ultimatum without following through, their spouses will take them less seriously the next time the game is used. Since following through, or not following through, with an ultimatum can
cause problems, the best thing to do is never to give one.
Second, if spouses keep doing these things, their partners might decide, without saying so, that enough is enough, and leave.
What to Do Instead:
Instead of using these unhealthy attempts at communication, a better idea might be to try plain old respectful communication. Have a calm, heart -to-heart talk with your mate about how you feel, without being critical. Say how you feel, for example, when your spouse spends several evenings out of the home or stays busy for hours on the computer. Tell him or her that you need visible signs of caring.
Why This is a Better Idea:
Your spouse can hear your complaint better when you speak with respectful, direct communication vs. playing emotional games with him or her.
How To Do It:
Even though you are ready and eager to say how you feel, first make an attempt to listen to your spouse. Be sure to show empathy and understanding. Then state your complaint in a way that won’t make your mate feel defensive.
For example, let’s just say that your mate relaxes by playing games on the computer from the time he or she gets home until bedtime every weeknight. First, calmly listen to his or her reasons for doing this. Then help him or her feel understood by restating what they told you in your own words. Wait for an acknowledgement that you did indeed understand the message he or she intended to send you.
Indicate verbally that you care about your partner’s needs, but that the situation (not the person) presents a problem for you. State how you feel when he or she spends that much time away from you every evening. Don’t criticize, blame or use words like "always" or "never". Ask politely if he or she is willing to work with you to find a solution that will meet both of your needs.
Likely Rewards:
When you communicate like an adult, you stand a much greater chance of getting what you want most: respect, consideration, and harmony.
Critical Relationship Mistake #2: Trying to Remake Your Partner
This is the second most common mistake that I have seen in my work. It will never work and is a 100% guaranteed way to bring on problems.
Why It Happens:
Women or men with strong, dominant personalities sometime want to remake their partners. Maybe they have partners with addictions, or who otherwise need to make changes in their lives. They may think they can do a "better job" at overhauling their partners’ lives than they themselves can. Maybe their partners do not even have any salient problems, but their dominant mates still have a need to make them into "better versions" of themselves.
What It Looks Like:
This takes the form of dominating, suggesting, manipulating, managing, micro-managing, controlling behavior, whether overt or passive in nature.
Why It’s a Mistake:
This is a mistake for two major reasons. First, when one attempts to remake their spouse, he or she is taking away that individual’s right to be who they are. He or she is attempting to reduce that person’s independence. A dependence is created that their spouse later resents.
Second, to try to change someone is insulting. It is to imply disapproval of them. It is saying "Well, you might become good enough for me if I could tweak this and that" or "You are almost what I want, but not quite."
Likely Consequences:
It might be possible to temporarily and superficially remake another person. There will be a price to pay later, however, of anger and resentment.
What to Do Instead:
If you do not like your mate, dedicate yourself to finding at least one thing about him or her to admire or respect. That discovery may lead to recognizing other positive traits. Better yet, check your motivations for trying to remake your spouse in the first place.
If you are unhappy, you have a greater chance at increasing your own happiness by changing some things about yourself. If you still do not like him or her, you might ask yourself why you are in the relationship at all!
If you decide to leave the relationship, it would be a good idea to get to know your next potential mate on a much deeper level before making an all-out emotional commitment.
Why This is a Better Idea:
As it is not possible to remake another person, it only makes sense to look for
and show appreciation for their positive traits.
How to Do It:
Try to "catch" your spouse being the person you like and respect. Look for small things that are important. Is your mate a good listener? Does he or she earn the respect of others? Is he or she kind and thoughtful? What makes him or her unique? In what positive ways are you two similar?
Watch your tendency to judge others against your own standards.
Likely Rewards:
One cannot give acceptance and appreciation to another without it coming back ten-fold.
Critical Relationship Mistake #1 : Trying to Force Your Spouse to Communicate
This most common critical relationship mistake I have seen people make is trying to force their spouses to communicate. Regardless of the reason, some people are just not as communicative as others. It may be due to a lack of understanding about the importance of communication, personality differences, upbringing, gender brain differences, mood disorders or what phase the moon is in that night.
Why It Happens:
When partners think they are not being heard, they feel hurt and unloved. Over time they may feel desperate for communication. That is when their efforts to communicate can escalate.
What It Looks Like:
What spouses do wrong is to try to force their spouses to talk. There is nothing wrong with one wanting a spouse to communicate. Relationships are made up of feelings. The very nature of a relationship requires that both parties, well, relate. One cannot blame anyone for wanting their spouse to communicate.
Why It’s a Mistake:
Sometimes the way that spouses go about this, however, is futile. They often try to get their spouses to communicate by talking to them. This is futile as their spouses, usually, have already expressed that they don’t want to communicate. To make matters worse, trying to make spouses talk can make them suddenly feel as though they are being emotionally attacked.
Likely Consequences:
These spouses may then strike back, starting arguments, criticizing or stonewalling. They may say things like "I wish I had a remote that I could use to turn you off." Talkative mates will get much better results if they stop feeding the problem and start working the solution. Based upon my working with thousands of couples and families with over the years, there is a better way.
What to Do Instead:
Stop forcing conversation on your mate who does not want to talk. Once you stop the offensive behavior (as your mate sees it), your spouse will eventually feel free and relaxed again. This may come in "drips and dabs", but feeling more relaxed will help your mate start talking again. To stop this negative cycle, first stop talking, and then begin listening.
Why This is a Better Idea:
For one thing, your mate will wonder why, all of a sudden, the house is so quiet. Your spouse will wonder "Is there something going on with him or her that I am not aware of?" Even if nothing is said about it, the change in emotional climate will be noticed. Your mate will eventually start talking, if for no other reason than out of curiosity.
How to Do It:
Whenever your spouse starts talking, be sure to listen. Sincere listening is the way out of this crazy "I can’t get my spouse to talk" mess. Listen non-judgmentally, openly, and respectfully. Suspend judgment of what is being said.
Make eye contact when your spouse speaks. Don’t be formulating your response, but don’t be a silent stone either. Make listening sounds like "uh, huh" or "yes" or "I see what you mean", whatever is appropriate. Ask a question to
elicit information or clarify your understanding. Listen as you would like to be listened to. Listen, not only because you love, but most of all, because you respect your mate.
After a minute or so, briefly repeat what was just said in your own words. Also check for accuracy of understanding, like "Is that what you mean?" or "Is that what you are saying?."
Likely Rewards:
Love is not getting, love is giving. Listen regularly and for the right reason, not just awaiting your turn to talk. When you do your best at this on a regular basis, you might see some real improvement in your spouse’s desire to listen and talk to you.
We all have relationship problems from time to time. If your relationship is in so much trouble that there is physical or unrelenting emotional abuse, please seek out a safe shelter as soon as possible and
/or call 911. For other issues, communication training may be the answer for you. If interested in more information, email me at [email protected] or go to www.dfcouples.com.
The Three Top Critical Relationship Mistakes (and What to Do Instead)
By: Donna O. Freeman, Ph.D., L.P.C., Owner of Couples Communication Training, LLC
In spite of our best intentions, we as human beings tend to make critical relationship mistakes over and over again. I will discuss the three top critical relationship mistakes that I have seen in my 26 years of practice as a Mental Health Counselor.
Today, as a Couples Communication Trainer, I am assisting couples who want to improve their relationships through personalized training in healthy communication.
Critical Relationship Mistake #3: Making Desperate Attempts to Get Your Spouse’s Attention
When romance is young, each person has their partner’s undivided attention. As the relationship matures, it is only natural that one partner might feel that he or she is taken for granted to some degree.
Why It Happens:
After the "honeymoon" is over, spouses settle into their lives together. Things get busy with careers, bills, routines, and children growing up. I prefer to think of this as the natural "settling in" of the relationship, rather than either spouse’s actual attempt to take the other for granted.
What It Looks Like:
When spouses don’t feel special anymore, they may feel emotionally abandoned. Unhealthy attempts to remedy this may come in the form of repeated verbal demands for attention (nagging), starting arguments, feigning illness, threatening to leave, or issuing ultimatums.
Nagging may take the form of "You don’t talk to me anymore", "You don‘t even look at me anymore when I talk to you", "You don’t tell me that I’m sexy, like you used to" or "You don’t ever help me around the house." All nagging is destructive.
Starting arguments can take many forms. Spouses may provoke their counterparts with their signature antagonistic behaviors, pick at them over trivial matters or criticize.
Feigning illness can come across as a spouse’s announcement, usually after an argument, that he or she doesn’t "feel good". Threatening to leave your spouse sounds to him or her like "I am abandoning you because you are no good."
Giving ultimatums is a way of strong-arming mates into giving in demands, or else. The "or else" might be leaving, not speaking, not having sex
, or any number of punishments.
Why It’s a Mistake:
Due to their inherent nature, these attempts will meet with resistance or aggression. When these attempts fail, the spouses who use them may feel that even more extreme measures are needed. This can only serve to make problems worse.
Likely Consequences:
Consequences of such immature behaviors are always negative and will drive partners apart.
Nagging will likely cause spouses to erupt with anger, walk out
, or stonewall. Starting arguments might win some attention in the short-run. In fact, arguing is often an "after all else fails" desperate attempt at some form of communication. Arguments have a cumulative damaging effect on a relationship, however, and are never worth the short-term "reward" of negative attention.
Feigning illness, threatening to leave, and giving ultimatums are the most desperate ways of trying to get attention. These are "games" and are also used as poor substitutes for real communication.
Once spouses understand the game, they will not only withhold attention, but may supplement it with contemptuous behavior. When either spouse shows chronic contempt, it is a sign that the relationship is in serious trouble.
These efforts to get attention can also backfire in a couple of ways. First, if mates say they are sick and aren’t, threaten to leave and don’t, or give an ultimatum without following through, their spouses will take them less seriously the next time the game is used. Since following through, or not following through, with an ultimatum can
cause problems, the best thing to do is never to give one.
Second, if spouses keep doing these things, their partners might decide, without saying so, that enough is enough, and leave.
What to Do Instead:
Instead of using these unhealthy attempts at communication, a better idea might be to try plain old respectful communication. Have a calm, heart -to-heart talk with your mate about how you feel, without being critical. Say how you feel, for example, when your spouse spends several evenings out of the home or stays busy for hours on the computer. Tell him or her that you need visible signs of caring.
Why This is a Better Idea:
Your spouse can hear your complaint better when you speak with respectful, direct communication vs. playing emotional games with him or her.
How To Do It:
Even though you are ready and eager to say how you feel, first make an attempt to listen to your spouse. Be sure to show empathy and understanding. Then state your complaint in a way that won’t make your mate feel defensive.
For example, let’s just say that your mate relaxes by playing games on the computer from the time he or she gets home until bedtime every weeknight. First, calmly listen to his or her reasons for doing this. Then help him or her feel understood by restating what they told you in your own words. Wait for an acknowledgement that you did indeed understand the message he or she intended to send you.
Indicate verbally that you care about your partner’s needs, but that the situation (not the person) presents a problem for you. State how you feel when he or she spends that much time away from you every evening. Don’t criticize, blame or use words like "always" or "never". Ask politely if he or she is willing to work with you to find a solution that will meet both of your needs.
Likely Rewards:
When you communicate like an adult, you stand a much greater chance of getting what you want most: respect, consideration, and harmony.
Critical Relationship Mistake #2: Trying to Remake Your Partner
This is the second most common mistake that I have seen in my work. It will never work and is a 100% guaranteed way to bring on problems.
Why It Happens:
Women or men with strong, dominant personalities sometime want to remake their partners. Maybe they have partners with addictions, or who otherwise need to make changes in their lives. They may think they can do a "better job" at overhauling their partners’ lives than they themselves can. Maybe their partners do not even have any salient problems, but their dominant mates still have a need to make them into "better versions" of themselves.
What It Looks Like:
This takes the form of dominating, suggesting, manipulating, managing, micro-managing, controlling behavior, whether overt or passive in nature.
Why It’s a Mistake:
This is a mistake for two major reasons. First, when one attempts to remake their spouse, he or she is taking away that individual’s right to be who they are. He or she is attempting to reduce that person’s independence. A dependence is created that their spouse later resents.
Second, to try to change someone is insulting. It is to imply disapproval of them. It is saying "Well, you might become good enough for me if I could tweak this and that" or "You are almost what I want, but not quite."
Likely Consequences:
It might be possible to temporarily and superficially remake another person. There will be a price to pay later, however, of anger and resentment.
What to Do Instead:
If you do not like your mate, dedicate yourself to finding at least one thing about him or her to admire or respect. That discovery may lead to recognizing other positive traits. Better yet, check your motivations for trying to remake your spouse in the first place.
If you are unhappy, you have a greater chance at increasing your own happiness by changing some things about yourself. If you still do not like him or her, you might ask yourself why you are in the relationship at all!
If you decide to leave the relationship, it would be a good idea to get to know your next potential mate on a much deeper level before making an all-out emotional commitment.
Why This is a Better Idea:
As it is not possible to remake another person, it only makes sense to look for
and show appreciation for their positive traits.
How to Do It:
Try to "catch" your spouse being the person you like and respect. Look for small things that are important. Is your mate a good listener? Does he or she earn the respect of others? Is he or she kind and thoughtful? What makes him or her unique? In what positive ways are you two similar?
Watch your tendency to judge others against your own standards.
Likely Rewards:
One cannot give acceptance and appreciation to another without it coming back ten-fold.
Critical Relationship Mistake #1 : Trying to Force Your Spouse to Communicate
This most common critical relationship mistake I have seen people make is trying to force their spouses to communicate. Regardless of the reason, some people are just not as communicative as others. It may be due to a lack of understanding about the importance of communication, personality differences, upbringing, gender brain differences, mood disorders or what phase the moon is in that night.
Why It Happens:
When partners think they are not being heard, they feel hurt and unloved. Over time they may feel desperate for communication. That is when their efforts to communicate can escalate.
What It Looks Like:
What spouses do wrong is to try to force their spouses to talk. There is nothing wrong with one wanting a spouse to communicate. Relationships are made up of feelings. The very nature of a relationship requires that both parties, well, relate. One cannot blame anyone for wanting their spouse to communicate.
Why It’s a Mistake:
Sometimes the way that spouses go about this, however, is futile. They often try to get their spouses to communicate by talking to them. This is futile as their spouses, usually, have already expressed that they don’t want to communicate. To make matters worse, trying to make spouses talk can make them suddenly feel as though they are being emotionally attacked.
Likely Consequences:
These spouses may then strike back, starting arguments, criticizing or stonewalling. They may say things like "I wish I had a remote that I could use to turn you off." Talkative mates will get much better results if they stop feeding the problem and start working the solution. Based upon my working with thousands of couples and families with over the years, there is a better way.
What to Do Instead:
Stop forcing conversation on your mate who does not want to talk. Once you stop the offensive behavior (as your mate sees it), your spouse will eventually feel free and relaxed again. This may come in "drips and dabs", but feeling more relaxed will help your mate start talking again. To stop this negative cycle, first stop talking, and then begin listening.
Why This is a Better Idea:
For one thing, your mate will wonder why, all of a sudden, the house is so quiet. Your spouse will wonder "Is there something going on with him or her that I am not aware of?" Even if nothing is said about it, the change in emotional climate will be noticed. Your mate will eventually start talking, if for no other reason than out of curiosity.
How to Do It:
Whenever your spouse starts talking, be sure to listen. Sincere listening is the way out of this crazy "I can’t get my spouse to talk" mess. Listen non-judgmentally, openly, and respectfully. Suspend judgment of what is being said.
Make eye contact when your spouse speaks. Don’t be formulating your response, but don’t be a silent stone either. Make listening sounds like "uh, huh" or "yes" or "I see what you mean", whatever is appropriate. Ask a question to
elicit information or clarify your understanding. Listen as you would like to be listened to. Listen, not only because you love, but most of all, because you respect your mate.
After a minute or so, briefly repeat what was just said in your own words. Also check for accuracy of understanding, like "Is that what you mean?" or "Is that what you are saying?."
Likely Rewards:
Love is not getting, love is giving. Listen regularly and for the right reason, not just awaiting your turn to talk. When you do your best at this on a regular basis, you might see some real improvement in your spouse’s desire to listen and talk to you.
We all have relationship problems from time to time. If your relationship is in so much trouble that there is physical or unrelenting emotional abuse, please seek out a safe shelter as soon as possible and
/or call 911. For other issues, communication training may be the answer for you. If interested in more information, email me at [email protected] or go to www.dfcouples.com.
The Three Top Critical Relationship Mistakes (and What to Do Instead)
By: Donna O. Freeman, Ph.D., L.P.C., Owner of Couples Communication Training, LLC
In spite of our best intentions, we as human beings tend to make critical relationship mistakes over and over again. I will discuss the three top critical relationship mistakes that I have seen in my 26 years of practice as a Mental Health Counselor.
Today, as a Couples Communication Trainer, I am assisting couples who want to improve their relationships through personalized training in healthy communication.
Critical Relationship Mistake #3: Making Desperate Attempts to Get Your Spouse’s Attention
When romance is young, each person has their partner’s undivided attention. As the relationship matures, it is only natural that one partner might feel that he or she is taken for granted to some degree.
Why It Happens:
After the "honeymoon" is over, spouses settle into their lives together. Things get busy with careers, bills, routines, and children growing up. I prefer to think of this as the natural "settling in" of the relationship, rather than either spouse’s actual attempt to take the other for granted.
What It Looks Like:
When spouses don’t feel special anymore, they may feel emotionally abandoned. Unhealthy attempts to remedy this may come in the form of repeated verbal demands for attention (nagging), starting arguments, feigning illness, threatening to leave, or issuing ultimatums.
Nagging may take the form of "You don’t talk to me anymore", "You don‘t even look at me anymore when I talk to you", "You don’t tell me that I’m sexy, like you used to" or "You don’t ever help me around the house." All nagging is destructive.
Starting arguments can take many forms. Spouses may provoke their counterparts with their signature antagonistic behaviors, pick at them over trivial matters or criticize.
Feigning illness can come across as a spouse’s announcement, usually after an argument, that he or she doesn’t "feel good". Threatening to leave your spouse sounds to him or her like "I am abandoning you because you are no good."
Giving ultimatums is a way of strong-arming mates into giving in demands, or else. The "or else" might be leaving, not speaking, not having sex
, or any number of punishments.
Why It’s a Mistake:
Due to their inherent nature, these attempts will meet with resistance or aggression. When these attempts fail, the spouses who use them may feel that even more extreme measures are needed. This can only serve to make problems worse.
Likely Consequences:
Consequences of such immature behaviors are always negative and will drive partners apart.
Nagging will likely cause spouses to erupt with anger, walk out
, or stonewall. Starting arguments might win some attention in the short-run. In fact, arguing is often an "after all else fails" desperate attempt at some form of communication. Arguments have a cumulative damaging effect on a relationship, however, and are never worth the short-term "reward" of negative attention.
Feigning illness, threatening to leave, and giving ultimatums are the most desperate ways of trying to get attention. These are "games" and are also used as poor substitutes for real communication.
Once spouses understand the game, they will not only withhold attention, but may supplement it with contemptuous behavior. When either spouse shows chronic contempt, it is a sign that the relationship is in serious trouble.
These efforts to get attention can also backfire in a couple of ways. First, if mates say they are sick and aren’t, threaten to leave and don’t, or give an ultimatum without following through, their spouses will take them less seriously the next time the game is used. Since following through, or not following through, with an ultimatum can
cause problems, the best thing to do is never to give one.
Second, if spouses keep doing these things, their partners might decide, without saying so, that enough is enough, and leave.
What to Do Instead:
Instead of using these unhealthy attempts at communication, a better idea might be to try plain old respectful communication. Have a calm, heart -to-heart talk with your mate about how you feel, without being critical. Say how you feel, for example, when your spouse spends several evenings out of the home or stays busy for hours on the computer. Tell him or her that you need visible signs of caring.
Why This is a Better Idea:
Your spouse can hear your complaint better when you speak with respectful, direct communication vs. playing emotional games with him or her.
How To Do It:
Even though you are ready and eager to say how you feel, first make an attempt to listen to your spouse. Be sure to show empathy and understanding. Then state your complaint in a way that won’t make your mate feel defensive.
For example, let’s just say that your mate relaxes by playing games on the computer from the time he or she gets home until bedtime every weeknight. First, calmly listen to his or her reasons for doing this. Then help him or her feel understood by restating what they told you in your own words. Wait for an acknowledgement that you did indeed understand the message he or she intended to send you.
Indicate verbally that you care about your partner’s needs, but that the situation (not the person) presents a problem for you. State how you feel when he or she spends that much time away from you every evening. Don’t criticize, blame or use words like "always" or "never". Ask politely if he or she is willing to work with you to find a solution that will meet both of your needs.
Likely Rewards:
When you communicate like an adult, you stand a much greater chance of getting what you want most: respect, consideration, and harmony.
Critical Relationship Mistake #2: Trying to Remake Your Partner
This is the second most common mistake that I have seen in my work. It will never work and is a 100% guaranteed way to bring on problems.
Why It Happens:
Women or men with strong, dominant personalities sometime want to remake their partners. Maybe they have partners with addictions, or who otherwise need to make changes in their lives. They may think they can do a "better job" at overhauling their partners’ lives than they themselves can. Maybe their partners do not even have any salient problems, but their dominant mates still have a need to make them into "better versions" of themselves.
What It Looks Like:
This takes the form of dominating, suggesting, manipulating, managing, micro-managing, controlling behavior, whether overt or passive in nature.
Why It’s a Mistake:
This is a mistake for two major reasons. First, when one attempts to remake their spouse, he or she is taking away that individual’s right to be who they are. He or she is attempting to reduce that person’s independence. A dependence is created that their spouse later resents.
Second, to try to change someone is insulting. It is to imply disapproval of them. It is saying "Well, you might become good enough for me if I could tweak this and that" or "You are almost what I want, but not quite."
Likely Consequences:
It might be possible to temporarily and superficially remake another person. There will be a price to pay later, however, of anger and resentment.
What to Do Instead:
If you do not like your mate, dedicate yourself to finding at least one thing about him or her to admire or respect. That discovery may lead to recognizing other positive traits. Better yet, check your motivations for trying to remake your spouse in the first place.
If you are unhappy, you have a greater chance at increasing your own happiness by changing some things about yourself. If you still do not like him or her, you might ask yourself why you are in the relationship at all!
If you decide to leave the relationship, it would be a good idea to get to know your next potential mate on a much deeper level before making an all-out emotional commitment.
Why This is a Better Idea:
As it is not possible to remake another person, it only makes sense to look for
and show appreciation for their positive traits.
How to Do It:
Try to "catch" your spouse being the person you like and respect. Look for small things that are important. Is your mate a good listener? Does he or she earn the respect of others? Is he or she kind and thoughtful? What makes him or her unique? In what positive ways are you two similar?
Watch your tendency to judge others against your own standards.
Likely Rewards:
One cannot give acceptance and appreciation to another without it coming back ten-fold.
Critical Relationship Mistake #1 : Trying to Force Your Spouse to Communicate
This most common critical relationship mistake I have seen people make is trying to force their spouses to communicate. Regardless of the reason, some people are just not as communicative as others. It may be due to a lack of understanding about the importance of communication, personality differences, upbringing, gender brain differences, mood disorders or what phase the moon is in that night.
Why It Happens:
When partners think they are not being heard, they feel hurt and unloved. Over time they may feel desperate for communication. That is when their efforts to communicate can escalate.
What It Looks Like:
What spouses do wrong is to try to force their spouses to talk. There is nothing wrong with one wanting a spouse to communicate. Relationships are made up of feelings. The very nature of a relationship requires that both parties, well, relate. One cannot blame anyone for wanting their spouse to communicate.
Why It’s a Mistake:
Sometimes the way that spouses go about this, however, is futile. They often try to get their spouses to communicate by talking to them. This is futile as their spouses, usually, have already expressed that they don’t want to communicate. To make matters worse, trying to make spouses talk can make them suddenly feel as though they are being emotionally attacked.
Likely Consequences:
These spouses may then strike back, starting arguments, criticizing or stonewalling. They may say things like "I wish I had a remote that I could use to turn you off." Talkative mates will get much better results if they stop feeding the problem and start working the solution. Based upon my working with thousands of couples and families with over the years, there is a better way.
What to Do Instead:
Stop forcing conversation on your mate who does not want to talk. Once you stop the offensive behavior (as your mate sees it), your spouse will eventually feel free and relaxed again. This may come in "drips and dabs", but feeling more relaxed will help your mate start talking again. To stop this negative cycle, first stop talking, and then begin listening.
Why This is a Better Idea:
For one thing, your mate will wonder why, all of a sudden, the house is so quiet. Your spouse will wonder "Is there something going on with him or her that I am not aware of?" Even if nothing is said about it, the change in emotional climate will be noticed. Your mate will eventually start talking, if for no other reason than out of curiosity.
How to Do It:
Whenever your spouse starts talking, be sure to listen. Sincere listening is the way out of this crazy "I can’t get my spouse to talk" mess. Listen non-judgmentally, openly, and respectfully. Suspend judgment of what is being said.
Make eye contact when your spouse speaks. Don’t be formulating your response, but don’t be a silent stone either. Make listening sounds like "uh, huh" or "yes" or "I see what you mean", whatever is appropriate. Ask a question to
elicit information or clarify your understanding. Listen as you would like to be listened to. Listen, not only because you love, but most of all, because you respect your mate.
After a minute or so, briefly repeat what was just said in your own words. Also check for accuracy of understanding, like "Is that what you mean?" or "Is that what you are saying?."
Likely Rewards:
Love is not getting, love is giving. Listen regularly and for the right reason, not just awaiting your turn to talk. When you do your best at this on a regular basis, you might see some real improvement in your spouse’s desire to listen and talk to you.
We all have relationship problems from time to time. If your relationship is in so much trouble that there is physical or unrelenting emotional abuse, please seek out a safe shelter as soon as possible andor call 911. For other issues, communication training may be the answer for you. If interested in more information, email me at [email protected] or go to www.dfcouples.com.